And then my middle child..did I even see him much this weekend. It seemed like such a blur. What is it about the middles? He's the one I find myself having to reach out to the most. He generally won't come running to me to greet me when he comes home...I have to go to him and pry him open like a guarded treasure box. When it's open he is wonderful and full of such beauty and depth, but it takes work...and then I wonder, has he been pushed away too much? The baby always gets the most in this family, my oldest is navigating uncharted waters and we are present with him completely, but the middle spot seems to get a bit left behind....then we find ourselves saying "come on, catch up..where have you been?". It's strange, and not done on purpose by any means. And please tell me I'm not alone. I do love them all deeply and absolutely equally, but all three are a very different kind of love.
Our youngest is what makes me feel the most screwed up because I don't parent him with the same gusto I did with my first. There is nothing like that first baby. Everything they do is just miraculous and exciting and you fall in love completely...at least this was my experience. I couldn't believe the way the world changed for me because I began seeing it through a child's eyes and it was simple and oh so sweet and sacred. That was almost 12 years ago and at this point I feel like a seasoned parent. I pretty much know the toddler mind and emotions, how to work with them, what is creative and fun and there is really no more mystery to it. Don't get me wrong, every child is a miracle, but the element of surprise is no longer relevant with the third. They are amazing individual human beings with their own personalities, likes, dislikes, funny quirks but you pretty much know how the day is going to go along....I sound just awful, don't I? I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm bored with parenting, but I do feel like at this point, it's taking the village to inspire me and carry me through all of this. I cannot do this alone and really do not want to. How do the mom's who stay with their kids 24/7 do it? I really wanted to be that mom but I'm realizing more and more that it is just not me anymore. I have such a desire to serve others in this beautiful world beyond my own children but I struggle with the thought that this is a tad bit selfish. It's not, and I know this deep down inside but i still feel as though I'm screwing it all up sometimes. I went away last weekend for three days and it was so natural, which scared me a bit. How could I have been so attached to my family for all of these years and then just leave them without turning back? Who am I? Do I trust them and their father to do it alone? These are the questions that have me stuck. And then it comes around to this...they had a fantastic weekend without any hiccups...am I the one that brings the drama? Am i the one that holds the structure and when I'm gone it crumbles and they love every minute of it...in fact they thrive. Are they happier without me there? What if the answer is yes....I have to change to meet their needs and this is the hardest part about parenting I feel. The flexibility. You have to bend...like a palm tree in a tsunami, you have to bend without breaking..and then stand upright again with strength and courage and patience and love. Quite a tall order. Life is not meant to be easy though. I don't want easy. I want full and fun and deep and passion. I want freedom and strength and patience and love. I have all of this to give as well..plus so so much more. Thank you to everyone who supports us and who has inspired me as I continue to grow into myself more and more each day. It's really starting to feel more comfortable as I get older and I only wish I could bottle up this feeling and share it with all I come in contact with.
xoxo
