Toby tells a story about an angel~*

He was playing around on my bed and hit his head pretty hard on the wall. After he calmed down he told me this story..."mommy, last time I hit my head I was in a bus crash. A car hit the bus. I hit my head really hard." Me: "Were you in the car or the bus Toby?" Him: "the bus and I hit my head really hard. The angel came and took me to you and then I fell asleep and turned into a baby and had milk." Wow~

This hit the nail right on the head aka "as i transition into a working mom"

This is the image that my husband sent to me this evening via text. It completely hit the nail on  the head for me and just about wraps up my weekend. Why is it that I am so insecure about the way that I parent? It's true, I'm pretty sure that I'm screwing it up a lot lately. With three kids all at completely different stages in life it seems as though I'm just spinning around trying to keep up with them all.the.time. With the 11 year old, who will turn 12 in just a few short weeks, it's the social stuff. He's ready...for it all in his mind. Throw in the movies with major grown-up themes, the hundreds of girls ready and waiting to "kik" him on Instagram, the long hours hanging out with whoever is at the gym and ready to play sports. He's ready for it all and the independence that comes with growing up. I on  the other hand am pulling the reigns back as they say. Um...there is no reason for you to know so much about hundreds of kids online  whom you will never meet in your life...is there? This is my mantra to him lately. Looking through other kids pictures and getting a glimpse of how they present themselves to the world is fascinating to say the least...i get it. I'm on facebook too...and instagram..but I actually know the vast majority of folks I talk with and look at...don't I. At the very least, they provide me with creative inspiration...but maybe they do that for him too? See...I'm screwing it all up. I'm waffling right on front of them...at least in my head...and kids are smart. They sense that immediately and work it to their advantage. So what is a parent to do when they just aren't sure what is the "right" way to do things? i guess my fear around the social media is how addictive things can be. And also, how embarrassing it is to have a kid who just has his nose in a device instead of awake and wondering about the world around him.
And then my middle child..did I even see him much this weekend. It seemed like such a blur. What is it about the middles? He's the one I find myself having to reach out to the most. He generally won't come running to me to greet me when he comes home...I have to go to him and pry him open like a guarded treasure box. When it's open he is wonderful and full of such beauty and depth, but it takes work...and then I wonder, has he been pushed away too much? The baby always gets the most in this family, my oldest is navigating uncharted waters and we are present with him completely, but the middle spot seems to get a bit left behind....then we find ourselves saying "come on, catch up..where have you been?". It's strange, and not done on purpose by any means. And please tell me I'm not alone. I do love them all deeply and absolutely equally, but all three are a very different kind of love.

Our youngest is what makes me feel the most screwed up because I don't parent him with the same gusto I did with my first. There is nothing like that first baby. Everything they do is just miraculous and exciting and you fall in love completely...at least this was my experience. I couldn't believe the way the world changed for me because I began seeing it through a child's eyes and it was simple and oh so sweet and sacred. That was almost 12 years ago and at this point I feel like a seasoned parent. I pretty much know the toddler mind and emotions, how to work with them, what is creative and fun and there is really no more mystery to it. Don't get me wrong, every child is a miracle, but the element of surprise is no longer relevant with the third. They are amazing individual human beings with their own personalities, likes, dislikes, funny quirks but you pretty much know how the day is going to go along....I sound just awful, don't I? I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm bored with parenting, but I do feel like at this point, it's taking the village to inspire me and carry me through all of this. I cannot do this alone and really do not want to. How do the mom's who stay with their kids 24/7 do it? I really wanted to be that mom but I'm realizing more and more that it is just not me anymore. I have such a desire to serve others in this beautiful world beyond my own children but I struggle with the thought that this is a tad bit selfish. It's not, and I know this deep down inside but i still feel as though I'm screwing it all up sometimes. I went away last weekend for three days and it was so natural, which scared me a bit. How could I have been so attached to my family for all of these years and then just leave them without turning back? Who am I? Do I trust them and their father to do it alone? These are the questions that have me stuck. And then it comes around to this...they had a fantastic weekend without any hiccups...am I the one that brings the drama? Am i the one that holds the structure and when I'm gone it crumbles and they love every minute of it...in fact they thrive. Are they happier without me there? What if the answer is yes....I have to change to meet their needs and this is the hardest part about parenting I feel. The flexibility. You have to bend...like a palm tree in a tsunami, you have to bend without breaking..and then stand upright again with strength and courage and patience and love. Quite a tall order. Life is not meant to be easy though. I don't want easy. I want full and fun and deep and passion. I want freedom and strength and patience and love. I have all of this to give as well..plus so so much more. Thank you to everyone who supports us and who has inspired me as I continue to grow into myself more and more each day. It's really starting to feel more comfortable as I get older and I only wish I could bottle up this feeling and share it with all I come in contact with.
xoxo

Blessed Herbs Cleanse take 3

After weaning my littlest little I was finally prepared to do a much needed cleanse. Doing a cleanse will reboot your metabolism, cleanse your colon (crucial for optimum health) and help get you in touch with your emotions...all that stuff going on inside that noone sees... at a deeper level. I've been pretty tired this time around as you will see, but I've felt strong and calm and have had zero cravings as of yet <3

Some Thoughts on New Year's Eve.....

Walking the Wintergarden Spiral at the Waldorf School~

A little perspective on New Years Eve from me to you:
i'm writing it all down because apparently when one does this it makes it a more powerful and attainable goal...here goes <3
~Do things that will enhance my well being which means taking care of mind, body and spirit. Continuing to train my mind for humility and openness which means approaching new ideas with curiosity and intrigue. Running my body, working it out until it is tired..exhausted some days. Continuing to eat more and more fresh fruits and veggies...tons of them! My spirit is the most tender to me. Continuing to surround myself with uplifting community who believes in me and encourages me to grow and is gentle with me when I'm sensitive and reminds me that I am enough...we all are.

~Linger, lounge and dream....Take time to enjoy the slow moments. Slow down and be present for those in front of me. In the wise words of Leo Tolstoy, the most important time is now, the most important person is whoever you are with and the most important thing to do good to is the person you are with. I'm on my phone too much and am generally distracted by this and the vast amount of daily chores that need to get done. This needs some revamping.

~Walk more. I was just inspired by something the filmmaker Michael Moore recently talked about and it was regarding walking more. Walking outside more, every day if I can. Walk in the cold evening air wrapped in a warm coat and scarf. Walk for the pure joy of doing it because I can, not because I could lose weight or because it's what I'm supposed to 'do but because it's free. It's freedom for the mind. It can only bring good.

~Use my gifts for the betterment of others and myself. I have a love of so many things and have talent galore. I've been developing my photography skills slowly but surely, I love decorating and design in general. I love nature and being outside, I love to just talk about things that inspire me...and to be with like minded community...I'm a great listener and it's easy to make me laugh. Angels inspire me and so do a number of spiritual topics. I have a talent for organization and creating small little sacred spaces. I have learned about the healing properties of essential oils this year and they have changed my life. Alternative medicine fascinates me and I have read so much about it and have experimented a ton as well. the list goes on and on....

~Take chances and always believe in myself. I'm working on this one as far as my professional life....which I'm not even sure I need to be concerned about yet. I do want to continue to always believe in myself and remember that all it takes is a little bit of effort and a positive attitude (and maybe divine timing) and the world is basically open to all possibilities. i'm working on having confidence in new situations and within social situations, i don't think I'm alone in this. I'm learning that it's ok if people don't like me....I'm learning. The ones with the radical ideas are never the most popular anyways. That's hard for me to swallow but it's a harsh reality that I'm slowly coming to terms with. I still walk in kindness and try very hard to have an open heart and an open mind and a non-judgemental attitude.

~Pursue my passions. My passions are so many to list but in a nutshell it is just to continue to grow and learn about myself and to create more peace within my own family so I can be of better service to them and everyone who comes into my life.

xoxo

*this was inspired by Mimi Kirk, a beautiful woman and someone who I admire greatly

Watercolor painting with the little brothers~

Just wanted to share a sweet memory for me. It's of an afternoon painting session where the light was just right, the mood was quiet and creative and we were all inspired by each other. Our family life is anything  but tranquil, surprise surprise...so when we have these introspective and harmonious moments it is so special to me. Our new kitty "Cocoa Blue" even joined in for the fun ;) From our family to yours, all the love in the Universe <3

She is a feisty little ginger who we found as a wee kitten on the side if a busy street. We took her home and never looked back.

One of Toby's favorite quiet activities is watercolor painting.

Josiah has the sweetest little profile. When he is engaged with something artistic he is like a completely different child..calm, focused and full of joy.

getting it just right~

Dragons and Outdoor Playspaces

This above is the famous dragon bread that is served every September at the premier fall time festival at the kid's school. They have many celebrations throughout the year to welcome in the changes of the seasons and to celebrate the harvest which the bountiful Earth has given. The celebration of Michaelmas is the first big event of the school year and it reminds us that we have great wisdom inside of us and to trust that. Just as the light diminishes in the outside world, in the winter, with shorter days and much less sunlight, life can mirror this internally. We must rely on this inner strength and wealth in order to get through the "winter of the soul" as I like to put it. Challenges (or dragons) are met each and every day and we must remember that we can be warriors of light and goodness.

This bread dragon reaches 20 foot easily.
After the Michaelmas play and all of the presentations that the grades classes have performed, we all, as a community, go outside to plant spring bulbs together around the school property. I took this opportunity to take just a sampling of pictures of the unique play space that the children at the Cincinnati Waldorf School get to enjoy every day.

If I remember correctly, the building that we are in currently sits on ten acres. There is plenty of green space for the kids to play sports at recess, go sledding, do their games classes and just run. That's my Elijah to the left of the soccer ball....he absolutely loves soccer and might go far in the sport one day.

The children don't have typical play ground equipment here. Instead they have natural objects such as enormous sections of logs and sticks which provide simple, open ended creativity. That's my Josiah in the middle facing you with a group of second and third grade boys. I sort of crept up on them and I'm not even sure if they noticed me :)

When we first moved to this property five years ago, it was completely undeveloped and just simple mowed grass. Over the years, and with much help from parent volunteers, a large marshy area was turned in to a wetland for the children to explore in. Willow was planted and a long board walk was constructed so the children could easily get around the mud and water.

A lot of the younger children enjoy the large sand box. Again, they will use sticks, pieces of bark, grass, leaves, and whatever else they can find in the natural world to create their own little worlds outdoors.

No one ever said they come home clean...this is after Toby refused to walk on the boardwalk.

This is what being a child is all about~

Another view of some of the strategically placed tree stumps that the children adore. In the background, you can see the bell tower that Elijah's class built as a project several years ago. They also have a volleyball court, large covered picnic area, deep hills for winter sledding fun, a rain garden, raised garden beds, herb gardens, flowers and trees gallore......This reverence for nature was one of the reasons I have always had a strong affinity for this style of education. I am always renewed and refreshed when I spend time outdoors in the simple beauty of nature...and it makes it even more enriching when you get to spend the time with your good friends <3
xoxo

We went to a pumpkin patch....

...and here is the story.

                            

Special time spent with mama and daddy~